My birth experience

Just feel like writing down some thoughts about pregnancy and birth.

I just had my first baby at the age of 32. Well I would quite like to say I have her at 31 but the pregnancy lasts almost a year.

Like many other women, there's always some little stories to tell about pregnancy and giving birth.

Pregnancy is the first reason that makes me think I need a pedicure. And no, I'm never a girly girl who needs to do maintenance work like facial, manicure or pedicure. The need for pedicure arised because I can no longer touch my toes, and my increasingly long toenails might make holes in my socks. Yeah and I need help to put on socks and shoes. Strangely this made me think, the most romantic thing a man can do for you, is not kneel down on one knee with a big diamond ring or fixing your shoe lace, is when he kneels down just to help you put on your shoes while you're carrying his baby.

有人说，他蹲下为你系鞋带是一种浪漫。身为务实的处女座，我从来不是追求浪漫的人，也并不觉得男生蹲下为你系鞋带是件浪漫的事。毕竟我有手有脚，自己可以系鞋带。而我只有在怀孕后才发现，更浪漫的是他蹲下为大腹便便的你穿上鞋袜。我认为的浪漫，是你在最需要他的时候，他就在你身边。

Basically, my pregnancy is still considered quite straight forward. Some serious heartburn (yep, baby did trun out quite hairy) and a few colds, iron-deficiency, I'd say there's nothing really serious. So, I was just carrying on how and what I normally do, with a bit of extra caution and rest. I cut down some working hours - used to work from 10am to 8 or 10pm

No more midnight pees
No more heartburns
No more struggling to wear socks and shoes
No more struggling to get out of bed

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My baby Amelia is about3 weeks old. Her ultrasound EDD is 2days later than calculated EDD. It was the ultrasound EDD that showed the signal of her arriving to this world.

9.15am
There was an early morning appointment with the Obstetric doctor. It was the first time being examined by male doctor that day, and I'm already 2cm dilated. Dr. was unable to measure her size as she's already very well engaged at the pelvic bone. I can feel very mild period pain. Dr. predicted that I'll be in labor within 24-48hrs.Fetal heartbeat,fetal movements and contraction were measured.

9.30pm
Contractions getting stronger, 10mins apart.

12.30am
Contractions became 5mins apart,and slightly unbearable. Finally called Emergency Obstetric Unit to check if now is the good time to go to hospital,but being told to wait as long as possible. Had to put on the TENS machine to distract myself from the contraction pain. Also get hubby to bed for a quick snooze. Will need him to be there for me.

3.30am
Was pretty much counting the minutes by playing Jay chou's YouTube playlist. Sing whenever I can to distract myself. And finally couldn't last any longer and had to wake hubby up. Brought the hospital bags.

I lost count on the time. Every minute seems like a decade, I was just aiming to get through every wave of pain. I was put to a temporary ward, I tried not to moan but at the end had to. They transferred me to Home-from-home unit. After sometime measuring the fetal heartbeat and contractions, the midwife thinks the baby could be underweight and would not be able to go through long labor process. I was transferred to delivery suite.

At that stage, I was struggling to keep my eyes opened. I remembered being put onto a bed, got into a lift and brought to a higher level in the building. I also remembered it was a nice room. I can vaguely see the blue sky. It was a day with good weather but I was too weak to enjoy it. The midwives sped up the labor by giving me two doses of oxytocin, and the contractions came very strong and it hurts like hell. At the end I had to ask for an epidural.

It took a while for the anaesthetist to come, but just right before I was about to get a massive needle into my spine, she was whisked away for an emergency ceasarean. 40 minutes feels like hours. And then she came back, she has a very cheerful voice but I barely remember how she looks like. She's happy with my distinctive backbone and praised that I was being still during the needle insertion, by saying she doesn't mind doing a few more times on patients like me. Actually I did feel scare when thinking about the size of the needle, but I think it wouldn't be as bad as the labor pain. Indeed, it wasn't.

When the effect of epidural kicked in, I had to say epidural is the best invention ever! Instant pain relief, bit the pain is still there. I read that I'm not supposed to feel the contractions, but I actually can feel it! This caused my heavy reliance on the gas-I held onto the gas pipe and didn't let go, to the extent my hubby was laughing at me. That means I was pretty much stoned and I occasionally spouted some random stuff to the midwives (Mary and Rebecca). Later they actually found that there was a leakage in the tube inserted to my backbone, but I was already at the stage to push. It was tricky to push according to the contractions but I did it. Hubby said the actual pushing stage only took 30 mins. I couldn't open my eyes most of the time, I've only managed to hear what the midwives were telling me.

Finally in evening time, she arrived! Hubby get to cut the umbilical cord and she was put to my chest. After receiving an injection to shorten the time in removal of afterbirth, I was cleaned by the midwife and transferred to a temporary maternity in-patient ward. I had some stitches, an enema and a catheter insertion for 6hrs due to epidural. Mary was trying to cheer me up by saying my baby looked up when she come out,unlike other babies who normally look down. But I wasn't amuse as I know I'm having a back-to-back delivery, i.e. baby should be facing downwards (mother's backbone) but she faces upwards instead, meaning her delivery will either bruise or break my tailbone.

Because baby's underweight and her body temperature plummeted to 35 deg, she had to be put into an incubator for one day followed by very close monitoring, i.e. her blood sugar is measured every 3hrs to make sure she's taking sufficient breast milk to maintain her blood sugar level. Afterwards, she's checked by a pretty paediatrician doctor (who looks like Amanda seyfried-phewit!) and monitored for 12hrs.

To my surprise, U hospital staff took serious care of the mothers too. My blood pressure and temperature was measured from time to time, and my stitches were checked to make sure I didn't suffer high amount of blood loss and/or wound infection. To measure the normal function of bladder, it was necessary for them to check whether my first toilet break had urine of 300ml and above after the removal of catheter.

Funny thing is, in the first night, there was a very loud midwife who came to check on everybody else. She nearly pulled the catheter out of me by not noticing the urine bag was hanging on the side of the bed. But I was amazed by how she handled my baby - the way to describe that is, she can toss my baby around like a fish! I wasn't angry at all because I know that that's due to how experience she is. Baby looked fine and she wasn't crying at all. It's just very funny.

There were another two mummies who just had ceasarean (one planned and one emergency). Our babies took turn to cry at night and sometimes having a duet or choir.

I am determined to breast feed my baby, and I was glad that I received a lot of help from all the staff. There's frustration of unable to latch on properly but the support is there, and I am glad that I have sufficient milk supply to fill in her little tummy.

Later I was transferred to a private room with a tv. I was given a menu each meal to order the next meal. The food is quite healthy and tasty, the only thing is just, the portion is a bit small for my big appetite.

During the 3day stay in the hospital, I was asked at least twice a day whether I need any painkillers. There's a midwife who pushes a trolley full of painkillers from ward to ward asking any mothers and give away the painkillers. I was very worried about baby's temperature the second night but a midwife persuaded me to get some sleep. Indeed, I won't be able to take good care of my baby if I'm not in a good condition. though now think back, maybe that was the reason why they didn't suggest skin to skin? Anyhow, I'm glad we're finally get discharged after 3 nights stay at the hospital! And there it starts of my breastfeeding journey…

2015年

2015年。2014年写的手札少得可怜。

除了工作忙--其实去年也不如前年忙，但归根究底，是自己输给了父母的碎碎念。

父母的碎碎念，不外是：“你看你啊，都人老珠黄了。再不生个孩子，以后错过了就后悔了。”“几时给我生个外孙啊？人家好命都当妈妈/外婆了。”

那时的想法是：“哪，嫂子不是刚给你生了个孙女吗？你不是才刚埋怨哥和嫂子不懂顾孩子吗？然后再埋怨帮哥嫂顾孩子可累了吗？怎么硬要把这个压力也套在我身上？”

心里有点不甘愿，可是又无法忽视自己是否会错过的事实。

几乎每周末的视频交流，都有这几句话。

厌烦是必然的，感觉自己还没长大，还有些叛逆。逃避且纠结了几个月，有时推搪没时间上网，但心里知道这个不是永久的办法。

最后，就像feeling套Nike广告词说的一句话：“just do it!”

就这样，从此被囚禁。

意大利米兰的开会，丹麦的夏天训练课程，拜拜了。

下周，或下下周，或者明天（？），这个暂时只有两个人的城堡，很快就会有个新成员了。
那天哥还问我是否开始感到害怕，我还在写文献和准备意大利米兰开会同事代替我给的presentation，我确实还没感到害怕。写的文献还需要好多改进啊，还真头疼，但还是希望能在宝贝来临之前写完。

这半年或九个月来，工作效率一落千丈。孕吐一点也不好玩，吃不好睡不好。想做的事不能随意做了，更别说想去的地方--二十八周后就不能坐飞机了。工作时也时时担心朔造聚合物的过程或材料分析过程是否会影响胎儿。

曾经想回国才生，但念在这里有六个月的全薪产假（回国就没有了），最后还是向金钱低头了。宝贝在这个嗜酒如命的国家长大，心里还是有点担心的；但老公宁愿她在这里长大，总比在犯罪率很高、医疗服务依经济能力而定并有种族歧视的国家长大好。呵，是我在自我安慰吗？还是给爱尔兰马来西亚大使馆打了个电话询问，为宝贝办马来西亚护照需等两至三年时间，然后才能用宝贝的马来西亚护照申请公民权。唔，就试试看吧。若成功申请到大马公民权，她可以在十八岁时决定要当哪国公民。我惭愧没有办法为她在马来西亚铺好童年的路，至少希望可以给她选择的机会。不知道到时候，马来西亚的人权发展有多少呢？
不甘归不甘（失去的自由和行动能力），我尽量不去多想了。

唯一的乐趣（或折磨），是自己馋嘴的时候--这里的食物没有太多选择，好想念国内的美食啊……每次想吃国内的美食，就苦了老公。干捞云吞面，花生莲藕排骨汤，印度煎饼，猪肠粉，椰浆饭，榴莲，清蒸螃蟹，老公能买的都买了，能做的都尝试做了。做得好吃的，心里可开心了。可奇怪的是，偶尔我也会想吃西餐，也许宝贝有一半是老公的血统吧。

人生新的一章即将开始，还真的有点可怕……因为不再是两个人，而是一个生命，一生的负担。

我这周的男朋友

反正在等机器加热，就瞎掰一下。

这周交了个日本男朋友，一个星期见三次，三次里有时拍拖一整天。
见面时间比见老公的时间还要多。
他很慢热也很被动，可是还挺听话的，该做的都有做。
今天做过的事都如果有叮咛他报备，就会有详细的报告。
可是当我不细心时他的埋怨声还挺刺耳的。
工作不如意时可以到他身边静静流泪。
冷的时候可以让他来温暖我的手，但他没有办法帮我出主意。
他啊，简单得来其实又很复杂，要给他的指示可以简单也可以很复杂。
给他买套工具可贵了，几十千欧元。
可是近来这周工作都是关于他，连supplier都在问他的资料。
问他他是不会回答的，幸好的是，我男朋友天生有本英文手册，让我可以和他沟通以及更了解他。

是啊，我是结了婚，可是我男朋友不是我老公，我这周的男朋友就是实验室里的注塑机啦~

看，他挺帅的吧？

哎，瞎掰完，继续工作了。 :P

只想念陌生人（？）

最近心情很奇怪。
我想，我在想念一个陌生人。
奇怪的是，这个人，我连样子都不记得了。
无须屈指算算，见面的次数是仅仅的一两次。
也忘了是什么时候相遇的。
因为难得想念，耗了五分钟拼凑了一个名字，
无所事事时在网上搜索，却只得一个模糊的照片。
必然的吧，反正是已经没有/不曾有过任何交集的两个人。
感觉际遇是很奇妙的事，没有什么逻辑，可又觉得理所当然。
在忙碌之余的久久一次，
会有憧憬偶然相遇的那一刹那，
然后这个念头又会很快地被秒杀。
一方面，罪不可赦；一方面，无法罪不可赦。
毕竟我已经忘了那人是什么样子。
也许早已擦肩而过无数次而毫无自觉。
但都无所谓了。
毫无揣测的空间。
为什么会有这样奇怪的感觉呢？
是不是因为看《非美》或少女漫画看太多脑子坏掉了？呵呵。
也许是羡慕《非美》或少女漫画里勇敢告白的女生，
也许是迟来的青春期，
也许是惋惜自己追寻前任的记忆已变得模糊，
也许是对曾经奥妙的感觉有一时/偶有莫名的迷恋。
心，是在想起时轻轻被揪着的感觉。
有一点忧伤有一点惆怅，有一点……说不上。
理智那一半的脑在取笑自己：
都那么大个人了还会这样、太老了还搞这玩意儿。
其实能和这个自己也不太了解的感觉共存，
对我来说也是一个小小的成长了。
纯粹接受，这是自己无法了解的一面；
纯粹接受，这是自己那时那刻的感觉；
纯粹接受，这是自己不需要刻意去明白也不需刻意去做任何改变的问号；
纯粹接受，这是也许会永远存在也可能会立即消失的莫名感觉。
反正，这个感觉，有或没有，都没差。
只是，偶尔的，想起。

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***也許在另外一個平行時空裡，我們是在一起的。~《那些年，我们一起追过的女孩》***

也许在另外一个平行时空里，我们的生活，是有交集的……

三月2014：小安的故事

让《非常完美》在背景放映着，懒得看了。

最近就是特别懒，好多事情进度都跟不上了。连我在这里唯一的朋友小安给我写的讯息都懒得回。哎，又失去了冲劲。好羡慕一直都很有冲劲的人们啊，如现任老板。

说起小安，是个意大利来的家伙。哎，这个家伙虽然比我大几个月，很多时候给我感觉还挺像小男孩的。我想我该庆幸这份他给我的信任吧。

今年年头，突如其来地收到他的一封简讯，原来他失恋了，要我陪他喝杯咖啡。其实我也不知道他干嘛会找我这个人缘烂到谷底的人来安慰他。我倒是一听到他说他失恋了就笑翻了，真是损友一个。可看着他反复的喜怒欢乐，还是有点似曾相识的感觉。失恋的经过，他坦承在跟前女友分手后遇到了一个女生，两个人维持了一段地下情，男女朋友会做的事都做了，就是从来没有承认过对方为男女朋友。他说她曾对他说她是如何如何喜欢他，期望能和他永远在一起，但他没有给予回应。后来女生说有个男室友向她表白，他开始焦急挽回，可伊人已转投他人怀抱了。

也许是到了失去时才后悔自己没有好好珍惜，他懊恼、伤心、生气，但都无补于事了。
当别人都给予他同情和安慰的时候，我倒是很残忍地说那女生做得好。可能听他诉苦的别人多半是男生，或比我更能体贴他，我从女生的角度很直接地跟他说，女人青春有限，当你不珍惜时最残忍的报复是让自己活得更好更幸福，所以我很诚实的告诉他：她做得很漂亮！换作是我，我想我也会这么做。

后来好几个月他都在诉苦，是一个重复的循环，或无可避免的疗伤过程。他懊恼自己为什么那个时候没有放下工作认真思考和她关系上的发展，伤心她头也不回地离开他，生气她的无情。他后来的挽回都换来她的毫无回应，不然就是说她现在很幸福快乐，礼貌地祝福他也能尽早找到属于他的幸福。可我说，这个已经是很尊重他的表现了，她决定了自己想要的幸福就该这样头也不回地去追寻，在这个不明不白不清不楚的关系里拉拉扯扯最麻烦了。

他其实是个条件不错的男生，外表不差，有幽默感，聪明且博士毕业。可是我就是觉得我好像戴着有色眼镜看他：我总觉得这种自我感觉太良好的男生，就会有这种自尊心和自信心。当女生为他付出时他就觉得是理所当然，女生因为他的推搪离开就开始打击到他的自尊心和自信心。我经常很不给面子地直说（一般会打击他的）自己的想法，但他还是会来问我意见，让我怀疑……他是不是有被虐倾向啊……

唉，也是因为这样（处女座的理性、挑剔、嘴贱和过分诚实），我才是没有朋友的（也自认了）。自己经历的也不多，凭什么给人说教呢？但还是忍不住和他来个理性的讨（争）论。

现在他应该感觉没那么糟了吧（天晓得），希望他能尽快跨过这个低潮期。后来的现在他又遇上了另一个可爱的女孩，不知道发展如何了。但我还是挺好奇他的经历的。曾听过某个女生在《非常完美》里说要寻找曾经花心过的男生当男朋友，也许就是他这类型吧？呵呵。

吐槽归吐槽，有时他对我的信任，也让我有时会想和他分享我心里一些有点黑暗的秘密。虽然大多数时候，我都会三思再三思后决定不说了，但是心底还是默默感激他对我这个朋友的信任。

个人认为，他可以当个好情人但还不能当好丈夫，另外他也绝对是个够有义气、重友情的朋友。

我啊，总是当别人靠得太近时会想逃开（除非是老公），也许有一天，我和他的友情也会这样给冲淡的。就只有，好好享受这些仅有的时光吧……

First blog - March 2014

许久没有到这里来，这几个月总会想在这里写写一些废话，可是都在一天的疲累之下沉沉睡去，然后第二天才想起昨晚想写部落格的念头。现在才发觉这是2014年的第一篇耶！

一月，因为刚放长假回来，工作还挺起劲的，可是有否忙对地方，唔……那就不知道了。回来没多久，说想把手上的一篇文献给完成，看文献看了没多久老板就开始要我想学生的project。那时候还在想自己这一年要学些什么，就干脆把自己想学的写成了学生的project。原以为自己努力些其实应该没问题，没想到老板把一个小proposal给丢了过来，文献又得等了。怎么自己集中力那么差，每天忙杂物到可以坐下来专注写时已经好累了。

二月，还以为没有那么快结束，老公肠胃开始出问题，老是晚上睡不好。看着他一天天消瘦，好心疼……有时纠结，到底该放弃工作回去他家，还是继续。我知道他因为爱我而一直在支持我的工作，也一起承受这分隔两地的思念之苦，可我却不愿意就这样放弃这份工作。这份工作，我自认做得不够好，没有信心也因为自己非工程系出身而有点自卑。看了看北爱的工作，实在没有我这一行的……我也不知道是因为是经济不好难找工作，还是北爱根本就是人口稀少。（打‘北爱’这个词时老是出现‘悲哀’这个词，还真悲哀啊）至少我庆幸自己还有工作，有些朋友失业了好几年，不是没找，可就是找不到。

悲哀事就不提了，一月的时候，我突然兴起了骑脚车（马来西亚华语）/自行车（中国内地普通话）/单车（香港粤语）*的念头。就刚好工作楼里有个爱修理并收集脚车的同事，就以低价跟他收购了他姐姐一辆很旧很旧的脚车，一辆赛车型脚车。据他说，是他父母当初想让他姐多运动而买的，但到最后他姐还是没骑，反而借了给别人骑了好几年，又在家里放了好几年。然后因为他想存钱买个立体打印机，就卖了给我。这两个月数一数，骑脚车两个月就把买脚车的钱省回来了，省下的巴士/公交车费让我每星期能多吃一顿大餐。

特别喜欢在有阳光的冬天里，慢慢地骑到工作处。为了避免快速公路，去上班的距离比较远，必须从大学的一个入口骑到大学学园的另一端去。可是因为大学学园还挺美的，感觉还不错。唯一的问题是吃完早饭赶着上班时有时会觉得想吐，所以必须早点起床，吃完早饭要休息一会儿。放工时更爽，因为是下斜坡，很快就回到家了。还有下班时间更自由，以前老是担心等不到公车或公车拒载，要在黑暗中走好长一段路回家。倒是上几周风好大，有时还下刨冰雨，脸和手指都冻得很痛。尤其是吹大风时，老觉得怎么骑脚车都没怎么移动呢。呵呵，还有大腿变粗了，如果不是骑脚车造成的就是中年发福了…… (T_T)

最近也有些北爱的朋友开始在脸书向我问好了。呵呵，能被挂念是福啊。我真不是个好朋友，每次回北爱都累死了，懒得出门找朋友，都是躲在家里和老公撑台脚，顶多和公公婆婆喝个早茶。真心祝福我北爱的朋友们都身体健康，事事顺利！

今年除了八月和父母东欧之旅，还没有什么打算。希望能好好完成一些项目，继续骗吃骗喝开会去！哈哈……我得好好加油了~~ ^^

*后记：曾经和我以前北爱香港的师傅和现在来自中国的同事分别聊起脚车之词，对话如下：
我：（忘了说什么我用了‘脚车’一词）
香港师傅/中国同事：脚车？什么是脚车？
（尴尬的空白一分钟）
香港师傅/中国同事：哦…你说单车/自行车啊！

2013之末

转眼间，又过了两个月。

德国杜塞尔多夫之旅感觉早已远去。连德国的连续火车公干也懒得写。只记得那时天气早已入冬，杜塞尔多夫之旅是一个人的旅行，公干的最后一天说要早点离场去走走，还是迟到了。一个人闲逛，心里却挂念着某个人，滋味不太好受。德国的连续火车公干不是一个人，却竟然很贱地想念一个人的旅行。我这样，是不是很有问题呢？

可是还是最终和老公在公干后的周末，在法朗福特寒冷的冬天走了一走。法郎福特是德国，甚至是欧洲的经济脉搏。当所有欧洲国家决定放弃自己的工业界，唯独德国坚持了下去。在经济风暴时，德国反而成了一个工业强国。他们的很多科技，例如化工或机械，都比其他的欧洲国家强。

回来没多久，就得准备回国筹备婚礼了。这次回国筹备的婚礼，很大的成分是因为父母的意愿。其实如果可以，我宁愿用筹备婚礼的钱来个旅行结婚，趁还没生孩子时赶紧尝尽自己想试的事物。可是扪心自问，我想我没有叛逆父母意愿的勇气。有时候真的很想就这样辞去工作，爱做什么就做什么，依然还是没有勇气。有时会很迷惘，觉得自己一无是处，不知道自己真正想做什么，不知道要去哪里。有时会生气自己，为什么就是没有放弃一切的勇气，然后渐渐成了彷如青春期时莫名的愤怒，不知该导向谁。这种感觉，是不是我遗失的叛逆期？我依然还在寻找自己……

而婚礼，感觉又踏入了人生的另一个驿站。我忘了问自己这个决定是否正确，却也如Feeling所说，结婚不该想太多。我不想太多也不想了一年啊。忙婚礼，其实我很不耐烦。花了好多钱好多时间拍婚纱照，做婚纱相簿，做婚礼时的影像剪辑，很多都得在短时间内快速学习这些的软件使用。稍有差错父母不满意，又要重做。但是到最后还是没有达到他们的要求……

婚礼时，也看到了人生的百态。

最欣慰的是，因为一部分婚礼筹备是在国外开始，所以都没有发请帖。可是到场的人没有请帖还是到了。看着红包上写的祝福语，其实心里好感动……在国外待了一段时间，其实自己有点担心没有办法邀请到许久没见到的朋友，但是庆幸有人到场了。

碰巧的是，我父母邀请的一个他们的朋友，居然是我邀请的朋友的母亲！说起来真是有缘呢，呵呵呵~

另外，婚礼时最多人问的问题是：你现在嫁给了英国人，是否代表你已经有了英国的永久居留证？其实一点也不。我只是有着英国居民伴侣的签证，依然需要在签证结束前续签。而且我也在另一个国家工作，总是很多人误会爱尔兰就是英国，其实只是北爱尔兰才属于英国。我目前在南爱尔兰工作。

因为和哥哥嫂子一起办婚宴，有些人以为我是搭上我哥嫂的婚宴，其实不然。他们原定在明年结婚，而我去年早已在英国办了婚礼，今年回来补婚宴。原因自行猜测吧。不过，我想难免会有人会比较。确实有点为难嫂子了。因为我在英国办婚宴的时候早已算是有了属于自己的婚礼，而嫂子却必须和我同时办婚宴。自然，镁光灯必须多落在他们身上，却又无法完全只属于她。嫂子是一个非常有女人味的真女人，拥有自己理想的婚礼，不像我这个青青菜菜的男人婆，所以确实很为难她了……

无意得知也有一些有钱人在比较他们到过的婚礼，间接地嫌弃婚礼的素质。其实，婚礼无论多风光，真正的难度在于两个人如何一起走过下半辈子。也许，他们认为，参与婚礼就是给钱买娱乐吧？

另外一个很诡异的事情，是一个我和老公都不认识的小子来要求合照。后来发现他是嫂子远亲那里的一个孩子。后来，也发现他跑去和嫂子与他素不相识的朋友们合照。说起来还挺好笑的。貌似那个小子弟弟的一个男孩，也跑来问我老公是何国人，老公一回答爱尔兰，他就走开了，令老公觉得莫名其妙又好笑。

一个月长假就快随着2013年结束了。我今后的路，该何去何从呢？唉，我会继续想，继续寻找的……